Warning: Sorry if I rambled and that it is so long! LOL It just flowed out! ;)
I was never the prettiest girl, I was small in stature but big in confidence. I would walk into a room and own it. I wasn't afraid to talk to people. I wasn't afraid to be the center of attention. During my dating years I had many relationships. Some good and some bad, but mostly bad. I had a love that I thought would last forever, but that love took a turn for the worse. I wouldn't say that he didn't love me. if anything he loved me too much and things got bad. It got to where if we were going somewhere I couldn't look out the car window because he thought I was looking at someone else other than him. He loved me with a fire that was visible to others around us. I was told that when he and I were together we glowed. I could see how much he loved me when he looked at me. Being young, 17 then, I thought it was magic. I didn't realize that I was in an abusive relationship. I just thought, "Wow, this guy really must love me, and he just wants me all to himself!" We were so in love, and also so stupid. So very, very, stupid. He would compliment me all the time, told me how beautiful I was, everything that a young girl dreams of hearing. Then the words turned hurtful. He told me I was worthless, that no one would love me. He started doing this after he started sneaking around with other girls. He ended up in jail because he bought alcohol when he was underage from his cousin who worked at a convenience store. I was there when it happened. It was awful and I was terrified of how my father would handle my boyfriend ending up in jail. I have always gone for the "bad boy,"
stupid to think I could fix him. He ended up getting sentenced to 9 months in county jail because he had already been in trouble for selling drugs. A few days later I found out I was pregnant.
While all of this was going on I was also dealing with negativity at home in the form of my mother. My mother. My mother had a very rough upbringing and dealt with a lot of terrible things that happened to her. She always let me know how disappointing I was to her. I took care of her ever since I could remember and at one point in my first pregnancy I had to call 911 on her because she was threatening to kill herself. I would purposely get detention so that I wouldn't have to go home. My mother had such a hold on me and never let me do anything that a child or young adult would do. She needed me at home....all...the...time! This was hard enough to deal with and then you throw in that I am pregnant and that the father is going to be in jail for the whole thing! I was happy that I was pregnant (again young and dumb) I thought "Finally I could get away from my mother because I would have a child to take care of and not her". I was a senior in high school while I was pregnant. I graduated with honors and walked across the stage almost 8 months pregnant. That is a huge accomplishment. I almost didn't go to my graduation because my parents were so embarrassed by me. If it wasn't my guidance counselor, who told me that I should be proud of everything I have worked so hard for, I wouldn't have been there.
The pregnancy wasn't an easy one and I had complications that made me have to stay on bed rest. I was in constant contact with my child's father while he was in jail (my dad wasn't happy with the phone bill from his collect calls, oops!), and would see him when his mom would go to visit. When I was put on bed rest, he got mad because I wasn't going to see him. He started accusing me of cheating on him. And every time we talked he would just end up mad. He got released at the beginning of July. He informed me that one of his terms of probation was that he wasn't supposed to be in contact with me because when he was locked up and angry he would get into trouble. So I guess I was the reason for his anger. When I delivered my beautiful baby girl he denied she was his. He walked into my house with one of his friends, looked at her and said to me "That ain't my kid." and walked out. I was stunned and hurt and pissed. In Ohio when you are not married to the father of the child the state automatically goes after the father for child support (which only made him madder) and a paternity test has to be done. When the results of the test came in the mail I called him to make sure he opened that letter that said she was 99.9% his. He laughed at me. We tried to work things out and be together but he had changed. The name calling, and insults became more frequent and my self esteem got lower and lower. I was also still getting this from home as well.
Having someone constantly put you down is awful! Especially when you are getting it from your mother.Eventually you starting believing the BS. I became very depressed and started having panic attacks. For those who have never had a panic attack, they are horrible! They feel like your heart is going to explode out of your chest and you can't breathe. I became a shell of who I was.
Fastforward to today. Now I am 33. I am not the person that I was. It took me a long time to overcome how I felt about myself. It was not easy. It took WORK! it is still something that I struggle with. I had to except that the man I loved, didn't love me. He couldn't love me because he couldn't love himself. Neither could my mother. I had to forgive them. When I did that I felt free. I had to do a lot of self talk. Not like sit in front of a mirror and say "Gosh Golly you are great!." I had to fight out the negative thoughts that would come into my head. I knew those thoughts were not the truth. Just some one else's pain inflicted upon me. I has to cut ties from the people who would needlessly hurt me. For my mental and physical health. Cutting my mom off was the one of the hardest things to do. Every girl wants their mom around and when I got married and she wasn't there it was crushing, but I had decided that she was not going to be a negative influence on my children. Change doesn't happen overnight. It is a constant battle within myself to chase out those hurtful words. To this day I can hear the mean and nasty things that have been said to me but I have worked my ass off to become the women I am today, and without this experience I don't think I would be the women I have become. It would have been easy to hate them forever but then I wouldn't have felt the freedom I felt when I forgave them. Hating them would have given them power of me and they do not hold that power!
If you have been in an experience where you are put down on a daily basis, know that you are not alone and that you are not those words. You can be whoever you want to be but it is going to take time and hard work. You may fail and that is ok. Faltering means that you are trying and that is step number one. Tomorrow is a new day and a new start. Be the person that YOU want to be, don't change because of what others say or want you to be! You are unique and your light shines like no one else's and if those people who hurt you don't see that, then they are not worth your time! It is better to be alone with your awesome self than people who don't value you and all that you are! Be proud of who you are and hold your head up high!
While all of this was going on I was also dealing with negativity at home in the form of my mother. My mother. My mother had a very rough upbringing and dealt with a lot of terrible things that happened to her. She always let me know how disappointing I was to her. I took care of her ever since I could remember and at one point in my first pregnancy I had to call 911 on her because she was threatening to kill herself. I would purposely get detention so that I wouldn't have to go home. My mother had such a hold on me and never let me do anything that a child or young adult would do. She needed me at home....all...the...time! This was hard enough to deal with and then you throw in that I am pregnant and that the father is going to be in jail for the whole thing! I was happy that I was pregnant (again young and dumb) I thought "Finally I could get away from my mother because I would have a child to take care of and not her". I was a senior in high school while I was pregnant. I graduated with honors and walked across the stage almost 8 months pregnant. That is a huge accomplishment. I almost didn't go to my graduation because my parents were so embarrassed by me. If it wasn't my guidance counselor, who told me that I should be proud of everything I have worked so hard for, I wouldn't have been there.
The pregnancy wasn't an easy one and I had complications that made me have to stay on bed rest. I was in constant contact with my child's father while he was in jail (my dad wasn't happy with the phone bill from his collect calls, oops!), and would see him when his mom would go to visit. When I was put on bed rest, he got mad because I wasn't going to see him. He started accusing me of cheating on him. And every time we talked he would just end up mad. He got released at the beginning of July. He informed me that one of his terms of probation was that he wasn't supposed to be in contact with me because when he was locked up and angry he would get into trouble. So I guess I was the reason for his anger. When I delivered my beautiful baby girl he denied she was his. He walked into my house with one of his friends, looked at her and said to me "That ain't my kid." and walked out. I was stunned and hurt and pissed. In Ohio when you are not married to the father of the child the state automatically goes after the father for child support (which only made him madder) and a paternity test has to be done. When the results of the test came in the mail I called him to make sure he opened that letter that said she was 99.9% his. He laughed at me. We tried to work things out and be together but he had changed. The name calling, and insults became more frequent and my self esteem got lower and lower. I was also still getting this from home as well.
Having someone constantly put you down is awful! Especially when you are getting it from your mother.Eventually you starting believing the BS. I became very depressed and started having panic attacks. For those who have never had a panic attack, they are horrible! They feel like your heart is going to explode out of your chest and you can't breathe. I became a shell of who I was.
Fastforward to today. Now I am 33. I am not the person that I was. It took me a long time to overcome how I felt about myself. It was not easy. It took WORK! it is still something that I struggle with. I had to except that the man I loved, didn't love me. He couldn't love me because he couldn't love himself. Neither could my mother. I had to forgive them. When I did that I felt free. I had to do a lot of self talk. Not like sit in front of a mirror and say "Gosh Golly you are great!." I had to fight out the negative thoughts that would come into my head. I knew those thoughts were not the truth. Just some one else's pain inflicted upon me. I has to cut ties from the people who would needlessly hurt me. For my mental and physical health. Cutting my mom off was the one of the hardest things to do. Every girl wants their mom around and when I got married and she wasn't there it was crushing, but I had decided that she was not going to be a negative influence on my children. Change doesn't happen overnight. It is a constant battle within myself to chase out those hurtful words. To this day I can hear the mean and nasty things that have been said to me but I have worked my ass off to become the women I am today, and without this experience I don't think I would be the women I have become. It would have been easy to hate them forever but then I wouldn't have felt the freedom I felt when I forgave them. Hating them would have given them power of me and they do not hold that power!
If you have been in an experience where you are put down on a daily basis, know that you are not alone and that you are not those words. You can be whoever you want to be but it is going to take time and hard work. You may fail and that is ok. Faltering means that you are trying and that is step number one. Tomorrow is a new day and a new start. Be the person that YOU want to be, don't change because of what others say or want you to be! You are unique and your light shines like no one else's and if those people who hurt you don't see that, then they are not worth your time! It is better to be alone with your awesome self than people who don't value you and all that you are! Be proud of who you are and hold your head up high!
Xo,
Michelle
No comments:
Post a Comment